Title: Apologies Never Spoken

Fandom: Glee

Pairing/Characters: Jesse St. James, Rachel Berry, implied Jesse/Rachel

Rating: FR13

Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy and company.

Notes: Set after the end of Season One.

Summary: Jesse likes to fantasize about all the ways he'll apologize to Rachel.

Word Count: 500


He thinks of all the ways that he can apologize to Rachel Berry on the plane that takes him from Ohio to California, that takes him away from her. It's not as if he actually intends on apologizing towards her even if he did behave like a cad. The one lesson that Jesse St James learned early on was to never apologize, even when you were in the wrong. Apologies never got you anywhere or got you anything and most of the time people were never truly contrite. Apologies were just a way of smoothing things over, even if both parties knew the truth.

Yet still he finds it soothing to think of the many ways he could apologize to her, to convince her of his sincerity. Jesse knows that his betrayal was wrong and that he should never have agreed to Shelby's plans. But Shelby had held his scholarship on a string, he needed the win with Vocal Adrenaline and he had needed to stay in Shelby's good books. He had no business falling in love with Rachel. And then when he had gotten back to Carmel and Vocal Adrenaline, Jesse had been far too concerned with remaining on top to worry about Rachel and her feelings.

Egging her in the parking lot had been painful but he had been certain that she had understood what it had been all about. Yet her actions after that afternoon had led him to believe otherwise. And now as he escapes Ohio and Shelby and Vocal Adrenaline, Jesse realizes that he has possibly lost her forever. Not that he ever really had her but there had been times when they had been lying side by side on her bed, staring up at the canopy, listening to show tunes, they had shared their dreams. And in every one of his dreams, she had been his leading lady. That had never been an act, everything else might have been, but that hadn't been.

Even now, when Rachel Berry should be a distant memory, she's still there: a bright, shiny, golden star. Their names combined in lights on a Broadway marquee yet Jesse knows that Rachel despises him now. He wasn't her first boyfriend or even her first love, Finn and Puck got there before him, but he was the first boy who understood her, who didn't just put up with her dreams and demands because they wanted something more from her.

Jesse sighs as he stares out the window. He imagines going to Rachel, holding a bouquet of flowers, as he kneels down in front of her and begs her forgiveness. He'd never do it but the thought of Rachel's lips curving upwards into a smile as she throws her arms around his neck in acceptance of his apology are enough to get him through.

He knows that she'll never forgive him, not really and that doesn't really bother him as much as it should. The worse is knowing that he'll never forgive himself.


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